Not controlling, but being controlled

My eating disorder first took hold in my teens. I felt that controlling one’s feelings was a strength and expressing them a weakness. By the age of eighteen, I was ill and emaciated. I can vividly remember the desperate realisation that I was not controlling but being controlled. Recovery involved letting someone else in. I told my boyfriend because I thought he deserved better; he wasn’t fazed at all and supported me in a way that I didn’t expect at all.

I had to find things in my life that I wanted more – my relationships with my boyfriend and friends and my work.

I want to say to anyone who feels that they are trapped with no motivation and no way out that I have been to these dark places too, and although you might feel hopeless, recovery is still possible. I was fed up with the looks, feeling so cold, tired and exhausted, unable to talk or communicate with others, but also it was a total lack of emotion, unable to express or understand what I felt or thought.

There is help out there, take the first step now and seek advice to start your personal journey to recovery.